So I got my Halloween costume! I'm so excited~. I have been wanting to be Harley Quinn for a whole year! And now I finally have everything I need for it including the makeup skills I've developed. I'm just proud of myself. I'm proud of myself for learning the ins and outs of makeup, because you know what? It was a goal of mine. I could look at pictures and sigh sadly wishing I could create things like that, now I can.
Hi, good morning. I was awake until 3 am last night and it wasn't because I couldn't sleep. It wasn't because my anxiety was raging and my own being couldn't keep up with my thoughts. It wasn't because tears were staining my pillow from all the fears that I'm a bad person. It was because I was happy. I was so happy. I was so happy I couldn't contain my excitement. I was happy despite any turmoil from the previous day. I was happy because everything was falling into place. And that's such a nice feeling. To not want to go to bed because this feeling might go away is such a thrilling feeling. It was like, someone saw me for not who I portrayed myself to be, or for one single quality I possess, but it was like I was seen for I was and it gave me such a serene feeling. I am happy. I woke up this morning, my heart racing from the fact it was a whole new day. I for once didn't worry about those who disliked me or for anybody who saw me as a disappointment. Because I'm beginning to be seen for what I am, not what I look like.
Here's this gorgeous queen. I honestly really love Delaney, she was someone I never thought I'd get along with so well because I had judged her which is completely wrong. She's great. She's so dramatic and funny and she eats mac 'n cheese in class with a pen. She's also really beautiful and deserves so much love!
So I was at Kaylee's house last weekend and it was a lot of fun! I got to see her perform in the parade which was great. She did really well! Then we got to go to her house and hang out and watch vines and laugh, it was just great. I'm honestly so happy to have Kaylee as my best friend, she's always so funny and she always means well and is open to everybody (even though she hates people) and she was like the first person to really want to get to know me. She's the best life form out there. Max and Piper are also really cute too, and as you can see I am really happy to see Max. Anyway so Mrs. Vick really liked my paper and I'm happy about it! I thought she wouldn't like it for some reason but she did so that's cool. Of course I made mistakes *like starting every other sentence with but* although apparently it was really good and really sad. So in other news, I have this weird tendency when I like someone that instead of just wanting to see where the relationship/crush/friendship thing I always try to plan our future together and for some reason most of the time I decide we're not compatible for some reason so I kind of sabotage myself. I'm trying not to do that. Because a lot of the time when you plan relationships or friendships, you're either closing yourself off or setting yourself up for failure. I think that's why I love Kaylee so much, I never planned for her to be my best friend but yet here she is and I'm really lucky to have her. I'm gonna stop worrying about other people not liking that I "talk too much" or that I'm deemed a disappointment in their eyes, and start focusing on those who don't even think about that stuff and love me as I am. And take pictures of me grinning like an idiot as I pet the cutest dog in the world.
So. Halloween is really soon and I'm so excited. I just love fall so much but Halloween is the best, when it's been wet and dreary and I can hear the leaves crunch under my burgundy boats, and I can quiver and pull tighter on my oversized sweater for warmth. Halloween is gonna be so much fun. I can't wait. And there are just so many things to look forward to. Even though things are tough, I can't help but feel happy for so much there is. Even if it's the leaves on the ground that are the only things that keep me from crying, I'm happy. My grandma is home. She still cries each time her leg moves the wrong way but she still is just as excited as me about what's for dinner. She is in so much pain yet she still manages to be happy. Yet so many people can't do the same? Call me bitter, but I'm so sick of people who have to find the negative in everything. Being pessimistic is not an excuse. Your life is not as hard as you make it out to be, and even if it was your intent on diminishing every situation with your attitude. I'm not saying be positive but have the decency to ruin your own days, not everyone else's. Also, making 9/11 jokes isn't funny, grow up. At least pay some respect by shutting up about it.
This post is gonna be pretty personal and pretty sad but good at the end I guess? So, I'm just gonna say it - I don't like my body. And I haven't for the longest time. I don't like how my thighs always look bigger than "everyone else's", or how there is some kind of view that I'm "thick" or whatever (and by the way, if you have called me that know I'm like not mad at you or anything I'm just making a point ok ok) as if it's okay to point out certain attributes of someone's appearances. And it, on every level, is so inappropriate to point out mine or anyone else's chest size, or to make comparison, or to ask information about said body part. Never will that be okay! I am young. Fourteen year olds are young. I don't care if you're already comfortable with your bodies or if you are fine with making certain choices at this age, but I'm not here for anyone's discussion on my own body parts. But now that I've cleared that up, I'll talk about the more I guess, personal aspect of this. My collarbones don't show up unless I clench my jaw in hopes of it being visible, and I don't have a jawline and I don't have this amazing thing called cheekbones. And I get comments like "You have such a pretty face.." well, thanks, I mean I always hoped that one part of me would be attractive while everything else was not so much. Great, thanks. (And before anyone comments things like "you're beautiful just the way you are", I get compliments constantly. It's really nice. But I'm also really insecure, and nobody's attaboys will change my self image, but I'M trying to). I hate my arms the most. I hate how I can't wear shorts or anything without immediantly noticing how much fat there is. I hate how if I were try to grab my arm in my hand I wouldn't be able to fit the whole thing in the palm of my hand. I don't like my waist, or how it curves in shirts, or how I'm not capable of wear crop tops like everyone else. But I mostly hate being the "elephant in the room". I'm not huge or
My all time favorite, Robin Lord Taylor, is such a brilliant actor and deserves so much more applause for his job as Penguin. The amount of depth he gave Oswald is fantastic - I truly came in expecting to love Monaghan's Joker (which I thoroughly did) but Robin stole the show for sure. However, so many characters deserve more appreciation other than just Jerome, as spectacular as he is. Cory Michael Smith's Riddler is quircky and cute and I myself have a little bit of trouble not squealing at his scenes. But in other moments completely floored by the choices he makes. Batman, oh how I love my Batman, is being played by the young and daring David Mazouz, who is absolutely brilliant! His Bruce is spot on, the changes we see in the young Bruce Wayne throughout the show make me sooo excited and hope that, if contract permits, when he becomes of age he can take the role of Batman in many DC films! Fish Mooney, played by Jada Pickett Smith is just someone I can rave about for hours. She has taken a character I thought I'd hate - and part of me still does a little, poor Oswald - and made me root for her! She displays such a strong and ruthless character but with a bit of charm the audience can't help but love. I'd also love to give a spotlight on Alfred, who might be my favorite character throughout DC comics, has been perfectly captured by Sean Pertwee, the son of one of my favorite Doctors, so I did expect the best. He delivered! Barbara Kean's development has been interesting and twisty, Butch included as he's a funny guy. Lee takes the cake for most loveable gal on the show! Harvey always making the audience crack a smile! But finally, I must save the best for last, Selina Kyle aka the infamous Cat Woman, played by the amazing Cameron Bicondova, truly set the stage for the show, played a major part in almost all the plots, and begins to show the connection and depth the love story of Batman and Cat Woman holds. Anyways, if this doesn't alone encourage you to check
First of all because I know people are gonna be confused why I wasn't at school again today - I woke up and my throat was so swollen that I couldn't even talk, and I keep coughing and sneezing, so trust me, it's for the best. Anyways, I actually am hyped about school tomorrow because oddly enough I've missed it and a few people I have missed. I've been thinking about this for the past few days or so. If I were to make a blog, would anyone be interested in reading what I had to put out? It would more or less be thoughts I've gathered, opinions on things I like, and whatever else I really had to say. I usually stick with creative writing but I'm interested in taking my hand at something new! If anyone has/had a blog before, please don't be shy and message me about it! I'd really like to get the whole idea of what I want to do in my head before I take action. And if you think I should, please let me know if there's anything in mind you want me to write about. Thank you!
I've been up since three in the morning when I woke up from the sound of my grandma sobbing in pain, in which I woke up my parents and she was taken to the hospital only to find out she has an infection in her legs and there's potential for a lot of horrendous possibilities. And unfortunately the best option would be a skin graft. She's quitting her job and she has been transferred to Columbia for treatment. Please, pray for her. I am so scared and for once my fear has been backed up with something very real and terrifying.
So. I tried painting. Before I get any comments or people thinking that it's not good, it's juSt bAD LIghtINg. No, but all jokes aside, it's not the greatest thing to ever come to existence but I did it. (Don't get it twisted, the lighting does actually suck). I'm gonna try to learn how to paint. I can't paint extravagant flowers or "realistic" versions of things but I can put my hand into creating something colorful. I'm still learning. I'm not Van Gogh. But I am proud of my effort and I am proud of the fact that I'm trying to learn a new skill. Natural talent or not, it's a start at hopefully a large collections of paintings all done by me.
I sort of love this picture for the sole factor I'm giving off major Billie vibes and I'm here for it. Anyways I looked like a gem that day. But the point is, I'm missing someone in my life I shouldn't really miss. That person was not good for me and apparently I was not good for them, but I just miss being able to associate with them and whenever they talk to anyone else it just makes me sad. Like even though they're toxic for me, I just miss having that connection. Someone who would pay mind to my existence or may be even cared for me. Or at least that's what I thought at the time. In hindsight, I know it wasn't love or admiration or anything for that matter, and that person did so much as to hurt me, but I just.. I don't know. I miss some of the memories we had even though I'm well aware they took advantage of me in more ways than one. They took advantage of my feelings and I may have not been the best but I gave my all. I just wish they were in my life. But most of all, I just wish people that I cared about wouldn't do that to me. I also wish I could stop thinking that because someone talks to me, or calls themselves my friend, it doesn't mean that they care. Because time and time again I learn that for some reason people don't feel that about me. Some way or another there's something wrong with me. But anyways. I have friends, like super great friends, so this doesn't mean a whole lot. I guess I'm just putting out my feelings. It feels better to let things out sometimes instead of swarming my head and hurting me even more.
Hey.~ So hello. I'm trying to be more active on here, I know I sorta messed up my theme but who cares. My Instagram is my scrap book in a way. So I've been thinking a lot about the future lately because my current reality isn't the best. For some reason so many people have a problem with me. Which is frustrating because I try to be kind to everyone but for some reason I make certain people mad. I don't really know why, but whatever. In all honesty I am much more focused on getting good grades and finishing high school with a good track record to get into a good college. I want to be an Investigative Journalist and specialise in criminal psychology. I know it's kind of a strange career for someone like me, but in my opinion it's the job of my dreams. I like acting and politics but writing has done so much for me. It makes me feel comforted. Like I've said, lately loneliness just won't go away. And it seems like no person or item will fill the void. So I'll make due with my own two feet and a paper and pen. That's all I know I'll be able to count on. Anyway the whole criminal psychology aspect is that I actually have always wanted to do some kind of profiling when I was younger because from like the age of three I would watch documentaries or learn as much as I could about serial killers, but because I agree with it - not at all - but because I think it is so complex and interesting. So if I could have a job, combining two things I love I'd really like it. A lot. Plus investigative journalists do a lot of traveling and I love to travel almost as much as I love to write. Anyway? So I might also get a filming camera. Not because I'm gonna be some "big YouTube superstar" but because I think it MIGHT be good for me. People tell me that I should be making videos because I'll have someone to listen? Not in a therapist way but more so I'll have a sort of niche. Mostly beauty guru and artsy stuff but that sort of thing is good for me. I think that if I am creating
So for starters I'm sorry about the inactivity. School has been intense in both good ways and negatives but I just simply haven't had the time - the time I do have is devoted to chores and my cats. I'll start with the negative to get that out of the way because to end things with a positive frame a mind is the best way to live. My belief purely, not yours. First of all I'm just really conflicted about myself because I feel like I will try to play up the more comedic parts of myself (i.e., my enthusiasm, dramatic side, etc etc) because for lack of a better explanation, it's better that way. The way I have made the friends I have and developed the personal strengths of my own is through acting stupid at times because really, it's not really fun always being known for being mature and being "motherly" because at times don't get me wrong, people love me for it. But it's a lonely thing when what you're known for is constantly giving and giving and giving so sure, I do have my moments where I get upset or I stand up for myself, because it's healthy. Because it sucks to be giving and not only not get anything in return, but what I do get is shame. I don't know. I'm at a constant state of guilt. Of feeling too stupid or too smart for people to handle so I just feel like a fraud when around certain people I have to flip and decide what I'm gonna play on more. I don't really know how to describe that side of myself. I think that in a lot of ways the most realist aspects of myself are at first meeting. I am so scared and shy when you first meet me, or in uncomfortable situations that I just freeze up and don't know how to handle myself. I'm living in a state of fear and it's like no one can see it because I can glue on some fake eyelashes and call it quits. I'm scared and I'm also outgoing and I'm also shy and I'm also so very wise yet so very oblivious at times and it's just really hard to live a life of thinking what side of you is the "real you." In other news, I'm for
It's a sad thing when people I used to talk to and have in my life suddenly flip a switch and no longer find me interesting enough to associate with. The fact is that I am saddened by that but I can understand wanting to distance yourself from certain people, as toxicity can be brought out when around some people in your life. But what hurts is to be replaced. To be able to be put on a backburner while you stand by and watch as someone you called a friend openly ignore you and by your request you begin to do the same, but watch as they speak to someone the same way they once spoke to you. But truthfully it hurts more when you watch the importance of your friendship in shambles because you were no longer entertaining enough for them. So long I must say, but in the same hand it's such a painful thing to do. Cut me out your life by all means but to be viewed as replaceable is demeaning and.. heartbreaking. It hurts to be seen that way. It hurts to not be viewed with the same individuality as you saw them. But I won't sulk and I won't hold that against them. Their choice - not mine - and I must realize that whilst I had those good memories that such a person is worthless. Why care for someone who doesn't hold the same hand for me?